August Message From Helene: The Healing Presence of Grandparents
Dear PCC Families, Professionals, and Friends,
As we recognize grandparents this month, I want to pause and honor the many ways grandparents show up in the lives of children and families.
Some grandparents are cheering from the sidelines, sharing family stories, offering a listening ear, or providing parents with a much-needed break. Others find themselves stepping into a role they never expected. They are packing lunches, attending school meetings, sitting in therapy offices, navigating legal systems, and becoming full-time parents all over again.
In families affected by trauma, loss, substance use, illness, incarceration, disrupted caregiving, or other crises, grandparents often become primary caregivers, guardians, foster parents, or adoptive parents to their grandchildren. This is not a small or invisible group. According to 2024 U.S. Census data, just over 2 million grandparents were responsible for grandchildren under the age of 18.
These grandparents step up because a child needs safety, stability, and family. Their decision may be rooted in profound love, but that does not make the transition easy.
Many are caring for a child whose nervous system has been shaped by uncertainty, separation, or trauma. At the same time, they may be carrying grief related to their adult child, the circumstances that brought the grandchild into their care, the retirement they imagined, or the grandparent role they expected to have. They may also face financial pressure, health concerns, isolation, and the physical and emotional exhaustion of round-the-clock parenting.
We do grandparents no favor when we celebrate their strength but overlook the cost of that strength. Stepping up should not mean standing alone. Grandparents raising grandchildren need trauma-informed education, respite, financial and legal guidance, peer support, and professionals who recognize that love and commitment do not eliminate the need for help.
We must also recognize the importance of grandparents who are not primary caregivers. For children with trauma histories and attachment challenges, a consistent grandparent can become an important part of the child's circle of safety.
Trauma can teach a child to expect that relationships will be unpredictable. A child may resist affection, reject help, try to control interactions, become dysregulated during visits, or appear indifferent to a grandparent's attempts to connect. These behaviors can feel personal, but they are often protective. Beneath the behavior, the child may be asking: Are you safe? Will you keep your word? Will you stay connected to me when I am struggling?
A grandparent does not have to force closeness or create a perfect experience. Healing relationships are built through repetition. A calm greeting. A familiar routine. A promise kept. A boundary communicated without shame. A grandparent who does not demand a hug but remains warmly available. A caring adult who returns after a hard moment instead of withdrawing love.
The emerging neuroscience of grandparenting gives us a fascinating glimpse into why these relationships can feel so powerful. In a brain-imaging study, grandmothers viewing photographs of their grandchildren showed activity in regions associated with emotional empathy, motivation, and readiness to respond. A newer study found that grandchildren were represented distinctly within brain systems involved in parental motivation, and that this neural response was connected with grandmothers' reports of affection and supportive behavior. These studies are still early and have primarily focused on grandmothers, but they suggest that the grandparent brain may mobilize some of the same systems involved in caregiving, emotional connection, and protection.
The child's brain is also part of this story. Early trauma can sensitize the brain's threat-detection systems, making it harder for a child to relax, trust, or accept comfort. Yet the developing brain remains responsive to new relational experiences. Research involving children who had experienced institutional care before adoption found that greater security with a current parent was associated with a reduced amygdala response to that parent's cues. That pattern was followed by greater reductions in anxiety over the next three years. The study focused on parents, but it helps us understand how a trusted caregiver's presence can gradually become a signal of safety to a child's brain.
Another study found that involvement from maternal grandmothers was associated with fewer emotional and behavioral difficulties among children who had experienced multiple early adversities. Their involvement did not erase the effects of adversity, but it appeared to soften some of its impact. This should not be interpreted as a ranking of grandparents or family members. It supports a broader truth: steady, caring relationships can be protective.
Grandparents cannot change the beginning of a child's story, and they should never be expected to heal trauma by themselves. What they can do is participate in creating a different experience in the present. They can help a child discover that adults can be dependable, conflict does not have to end a relationship, affection can be offered without pressure, and love can remain steady during difficult moments.
For parents, welcoming grandparents into this work may require honest conversations and clear boundaries. Grandparents may need help understanding why traditional discipline, forced affection, teasing, unexpected changes, or comments about a child's history can have a different impact on a child with trauma. Their involvement is most helpful when they respect the parents' role, follow established routines and treatment recommendations, and remain curious about the need beneath the behavior.
For the professionals reading this, I hope we will see grandparents as full members of the healing team. Include them in education about trauma, grief, attachment, regulation, and adoption when appropriate. Ask what they are carrying, not only what they are providing. Help them find practical resources and emotional support. Their commitment may be extraordinary, but commitment alone should never become the service plan.
To the grandparents who unexpectedly became parents again: we see your courage, your sacrifice, your grief, and your determination.
To the grandparents who support their families from nearby or far away: please know that you are not an extra. Your steady presence may become one of the relationships through which a child learns that connection can be safe.
At PCC, we know that healing is often built through thousands of ordinary moments. A familiar voice. A regulated adult. A repair after conflict. A promise that is kept. A grandparent who continues to show up, not perfectly, but predictably.
That kind of presence does more than create memories. It can help create a new expectation of relationships. For a child whose early experiences included loss or uncertainty, that is a profound gift.
With gratitude,
Helene Timpone, LCSW
Executive Director
Parent Cooperative Community
At Parent Cooperative Community, we are dedicated to supporting adoptive families every step of the way. If you have any questions or need assistance, please reach out to us. Together, we can build loving and lasting family bonds. Contact us today to learn more!
