September Message From Helene: Changing the Pattern: When Parenting Growth Begins With Us
Dear Families and Friends,
This month, I want to invite us to think about changing habits-not only the habits we hope our children will change, but the patterns we bring to parenting ourselves.
Perhaps you recognize some familiar parenting messages: "Because I said so." "You know better." "There needs to be a consequence." In a difficult moment, those words can come quickly. This month's invitation is not to judge ourselves for having an old parenting script. It is to ask whether that script fits the child in front of us.
For children with trauma and disrupted attachment histories, familiar approaches to discipline may not address what is driving their behavior. Understanding the effects of trauma can help foster and adoptive parents respond in ways that better support both the child and the relationship. Changing our approach is not admitting defeat. It is making room for new understanding.
From assuming defiance to getting curious
A child who has experienced frightening or unpredictable caregiving may have learned to stay on guard, hide feelings, or avoid depending on adults. Those responses may have helped them cope in an earlier environment yet create difficulties in a safer one. What looks like rejection or a need to control everything may be connected to fear and self-protection. Being in a safe home does not automatically make trusting someone feel safe.
That does not mean we should explain every difficult moment through trauma. It means we can leave room for a question before reaching a conclusion.
Instead of asking only, "How do I stop this behavior?" we can also ask, "What might be making this hard? What does my child need help understanding, managing, or expressing?"
The goal is not to stop teaching. It is to understand what we need to teach-and what support will make learning possible.
From reacting automatically to responding intentionally
One place to begin is with our own response. Noticing our frustration, pausing, and calming ourselves before speaking can help us respond more thoughtfully. It also gives children an example of how feelings can be handled. We might practice a simple reminder: "I am upset, but I do not have to answer with anger." Managing our emotions is part of helping children learn to manage theirs.
This approach still includes limits. We can acknowledge a feeling, stop an unsafe activity, and teach a safer response. For example: "You're upset. The blocks can hurt someone when they're thrown, so I'm putting them aside." Once the child is calmer, we can practice asking for help or expressing frustration differently. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends calm responses, avoiding physical punishment, and teaching children ways to express feelings when they are calm enough to learn.
Connection and boundaries are not opposites. We can offer both.
The same approach belongs in ordinary moments, not just difficult ones. Predictable routines, manageable choices, and patient, consistent caregiving give children repeated opportunities to experience adults as reliable. When a child keeps some distance, we can remain available without demanding immediate closeness. Trust may develop gradually, rather than on the timetable we hoped for.
I also hope we will make room for children's grief, questions about their first families, and their own ways of expressing affection. Let us resist measuring our success by how quickly a child appears grateful, affectionate, or compliant. Our invitation can be: "You do not have to hide the complicated parts of your story to be cared for here."
From expecting perfection to practicing repair
Changing our parenting does not mean we will never become impatient or fall back into an old response. When we do, we can take responsibility without blaming our child: "I raised my voice. That was not okay, and I'm sorry. Next time, I'm going to pause before I speak." Acknowledging mistakes and making things right are part of building a healthy relationship. The apology matters, and so does practicing the change that follows it.
We deserve support in this work, too. When a child's distress persists or parenting feels overwhelming, a pediatrician or therapist can help identify needs and appropriate treatment. Seeking help is part of caring for a family, not evidence that we have failed.
For this month, I invite each of us to choose one pattern to practice differently. Perhaps it is lowering our voice before repeating a direction. Perhaps it is asking a curious question instead of making an accusation. Perhaps it is returning to a difficult conversation with an apology and a better plan.
Choose something specific enough to practice in an ordinary day. Notice when it helps. Notice when more support is needed. And when an old habit returns, begin again without turning that moment into a verdict on yourself or your child.
We are asking our children to learn new ways of responding, relating, and trusting. Let us be willing to keep learning alongside them.
With gratitude,
Helene Timpone, LCSW
Executive Director
Parent Cooperative Community
At Parent Cooperative Community, we are dedicated to supporting adoptive families every step of the way. If you have any questions or need assistance, please reach out to us. Together, we can build loving and lasting family bonds. Contact us today to learn more!
