How to Honor Birth Parents During National Adoption Month
November brings National Adoption Month, a time to celebrate adoptive families while acknowledging the complexity of adoption. For adoptive families, this month offers a meaningful opportunity to honor birth parents and recognize their enduring role in their child's story. When families create space to acknowledge birth parents with respect and gratitude, they support their child's identity development and strengthen family bonds.
Understanding the Importance of Honoring Birth Parents
Birth parents occupy a unique and often complicated place in the adoption narrative. They are the people who gave life to the child now thriving in an adoptive home, and their presence lingers in genetics, features, medical history, and often in the child's earliest memories or unanswered questions. Whether the adoption is open, semi-open, or closed, birth parents remain an integral part of the story.
For adopted children, especially as they grow older, understanding and acknowledging their birth parents becomes a key part of identity formation. Children need to know that it's okay to think about, wonder about, or even love their birth parents while also loving their adoptive family. When adoptive parents proactively honor birth families, they create an environment where children don't have to choose sides or hide their feelings. This openness strengthens trust, reduces shame, and supports healthy emotional development.
Honoring birth parents also benefits adoptive parents. It allows them to move beyond any lingering insecurity or competition and instead embrace the fuller truth: that adoption involves gain and loss for everyone involved. By modeling respect and compassion for birth parents, adoptive parents teach their children empathy, complexity, and the understanding that families can take many forms. This approach fosters resilience and emotional security throughout the family.
Creating Space for Open Conversations
One of the most important ways to honor birth parents is through open, ongoing conversation. These discussions don't need to be formal or scheduled, but they should be approached with honesty, age-appropriate language, and a willingness to sit with difficult emotions.
For younger children, this might mean simply naming birth parents in everyday moments: "Your birth mom loved you very much, and she made an adoption plan because she wanted you to have a family who could care for you." For older children and teens, conversations can become more nuanced, exploring the reasons behind the adoption, the circumstances birth parents faced, and the complexity of their decision.
It's important to use language that honors without idealizing or diminishing. Birth parents are real people who made a profound choice, often under incredibly difficult circumstances. Adoptive parents can acknowledge this reality while also validating their child's feelings, which may include confusion, sadness, anger, or gratitude. Normalizing these emotions helps children feel safe expressing them, rather than suppressing or feeling guilty about what they're experiencing.
These conversations also reinforce that adoption is built on love and intentionality, not abandonment or rejection. When children hear affirming messages about their birth parents regularly, they internalize the idea that their story, while complex, is one of care and connection.
Practical Ways to Honor Birth Parents During National Adoption Month
National Adoption Month offers a natural opportunity to engage in meaningful practices that honor birth parents. These activities can become annual traditions, creating continuity and a sense of ritual around acknowledging your child's complete story.
Create or Update Lifebooks and Memory Boxes
Lifebooks are visual narratives that help children understand their adoption journey. During November, families can add new pages, update information, or simply spend time looking through what's already there. If there are photos, letters, or mementos from birth parents, this is a wonderful time to revisit them together. Memory boxes serve a similar purpose, holding tangible items that connect a child to their origins.
Write Letters or Gratitude Notes
Whether or not there is contact with birth parents, writing a letter can be a powerful exercise. Children (with parental support) can write to their birth parents, expressing their thoughts, questions, or gratitude. Even if the letter is never sent, the act of writing helps children process emotions and feel more connected to their story. Adoptive parents can also write their own letters, expressing appreciation for the gift of their child.
Light a Candle or Establish a Ritual of Remembrance
Simple rituals can carry deep meaning. Lighting a candle during dinner, saying a blessing, or taking a quiet moment together can honor birth parents in a way that feels sacred and intentional. These rituals don't need to be somber; they can be reflective, celebratory, or simply a moment of acknowledgment.
Share Birth Family Stories and Cultural Traditions
If information is available about a child's birth family, heritage, or culture, November is an ideal time to explore those connections. Cook a traditional meal, learn about cultural holidays, or share stories that help the child feel connected to their roots. This practice honors birth parents by celebrating the legacy they passed on.
Celebrate National Adoption Day (November 22) with Intention
National Adoption Day, observed annually on the Saturday before Thanksgiving, is a day when courts across the country finalize adoptions. Families can use this day to reflect on their journey, honor all the people who made it possible (including birth parents), and celebrate the love that holds them together.
Support Organizations That Help Birth Parents
Another way to honor birth parents is by supporting organizations that provide resources, counseling, and assistance to expectant parents considering adoption or birth parents navigating life after placement. Donating time or money to these causes demonstrates respect for the challenges birth parents face and contributes to a more supportive adoption community.
Navigating Open Adoption Relationships
For families in open adoptions, National Adoption Month can be a time to strengthen those relationships or simply check in. Open adoption means different things to different families, ranging from occasional letters and photos to regular visits and ongoing communication. Whatever the arrangement, maintaining respectful, consistent contact honors the agreements made and reinforces the child's connection to their birth family.
Healthy boundaries remain essential. Open adoption doesn't mean unlimited access or blurred roles; it means honoring the child's best interests while respecting everyone's emotional needs. Adoptive parents can use November as an opportunity to reflect on how the relationship is working, whether adjustments are needed, and how to continue fostering trust and respect.
For families who have lost contact with birth parents over time, November might also be a moment to consider reaching out (if appropriate) or to reflect on how the relationship has evolved. Even small gestures, like sending an update or photo, can be meaningful.
Supporting Your Child's Emotional Journey
Children's feelings about their birth parents evolve as they grow and develop. What felt simple at age five might feel complicated at fifteen, and adoptive parents play a crucial role in supporting this ongoing emotional journey.
1. Check In Regularly
Create space for dialogue by asking questions like "How are you feeling about your adoption story right now?" or "Is there anything you've been wondering about your birth family?" These questions signal that it's safe to share whatever emotions are emerging.
2. Validate Complex Emotions
Some children may experience grief, especially around anniversaries or holidays, while others might feel curiosity, loyalty conflicts, or even anger. All of these emotions are valid, and adoptive parents can validate feelings without trying to fix or dismiss them.
3. Recognize When Professional Support Is Needed
When emotions become overwhelming or interfere with daily functioning, seeking support from a therapist who specializes in adoption can be invaluable. PCC's wraparound services provide families with trauma-informed coaching and clinical support designed specifically for the unique dynamics of adoptive families.
Being present through your child's evolving understanding and recognizing this natural development is one of the most important ways adoptive parents can honor birth parents and support their child.
Honoring Birth Parents in Closed or Unknown Situations
Not all adoptive families have information about or contact with birth parents. In closed adoptions or situations where details are limited, honoring birth parents can feel more abstract, but it remains just as important.
Adoptive parents can acknowledge birth parents even without specifics: "I don't know much about your birth mother, but I do know she carried you and brought you into this world. That's something we can always honor." This approach teaches respect and compassion for the unknown while affirming that the child's origins matter.
Families can also focus on what can be known: genetics, medical history, physical traits, or cultural heritage. Celebrating heritage and identity helps children feel connected to their roots even when concrete details are missing.
Managing uncertainty with grace means being honest about gaps in information while also expressing openness to future discoveries. As children grow, they may choose to search for birth family members or seek more information. Adoptive parents who have modeled respect and curiosity throughout childhood make it easier for their children to navigate these decisions with confidence.
Resources and Support for Adoptive Families
Honoring birth parents is an ongoing practice, not a one-time event. It requires intention, empathy, and sometimes guidance. Fortunately, adoptive families don't have to navigate this alone.
Parent Cooperative Community offers comprehensive support through High Fidelity Wraparound Services designed specifically for California adoptive families. Our trauma-informed parent coaching helps families build skills, strengthen relationships, and navigate the unique challenges of adoption. From understanding triggers to fostering open communication, PCC provides the tools families need to thrive.
Support groups connect families with others who understand the adoption journey. Books, workshops, and educational resources offer practical guidance. National Adoption Month also brings awareness campaigns, community events, and opportunities to connect with the broader adoption community.
Conclusion
Honoring birth parents during National Adoption Month is about creating a family culture where all parts of the adoption story are acknowledged with respect and honesty. When adoptive families honor birth parents, they give their children the gift of a complete narrative and model compassion that strengthens the entire family. This November, as we celebrate adoption, let's also honor the people whose difficult decisions made those families possible.
For more information about supporting your adoptive family, contact PCC today or explore our resources designed specifically for families like yours.
At Parent Cooperative Community, we are dedicated to supporting adoptive families every step of the way. If you have any questions or need assistance, please reach out to us. Together, we can build loving and lasting family bonds. Contact us today to learn more!
